ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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