The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
