my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
