I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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