If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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