Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
