I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
