the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
