If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
