we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
