about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
