Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
