what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
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I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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