awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
