Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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