I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
