What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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