Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
