If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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