I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
