operation have a gay friend backfired
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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