well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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