i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
