And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
