fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
