I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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