I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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