I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
