Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
