She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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