The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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