I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
