we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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