I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He passed out mid-signature
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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