I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
