Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
