i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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