If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
