He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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