a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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