his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
