like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
