Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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