I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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