I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
