I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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