Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
