This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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