Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
