No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just gargled with NyQuil
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
