piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Soap is not a condiment
only if we run a train.
done.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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