She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
