He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
