oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
well you can't waste a boner
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
