good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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