Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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