He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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