You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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