it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
