Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
