So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
