we're blogging at a bar
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
