Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
